My life's testimony of struggling between good and evil

What an historic week this has been! Many states are taking the Confederate flag down in public places and off the shelves in stores, because of Dylan Roof using it as a symbol of hate as he committed mass murder in a predominantly black church. Obamacare was upheld by the Supreme Court making it here to stay, and the Supreme Court also decided that homosexual marriages are now legal in all 50 states. All three events have completely leveled America into a cesspool of filth.

What I want to say is going to be hard. I have struggled with getting this out in the open for a long time, but I feel like the Lord wants me to be frank with the public---now that homosexual marriage is the law of the land. I am coming out of the closet---not as being a homosexual---but as an ex-homosexual and also a victim of childhood sexual abuse. There was a time in my life that I would have rejoiced at the Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriage, but now as a blood bought believer in Christ Jesus I can not condone this lifestyle any longer. I want to give you my life's testimony on the struggles of good vs. evil.

In 1968 when I was five years of age I started to have very strong attractions toward the female gender. Now it could be said that it was because my mother and father divorced, my father moved away, and my mother took a traveling job. I was left with my paternal grandparents for awhile. So not having my father and mother around could have left a void inside me that caused me to want affectionate attention from my pre-kindergarten teacher.

In 1971 I started first grade while still living with my grandparents. I began to feel deeply attracted toward my first grade teacher. I became a teacher's pet---always wanting to please. Of course at this age I had no knowledge of sexual feelings even though I yearned to be loved by my teacher. At this time in my life I became very tom-boyish wanting to climb trees and do other boy stuff rather than play with my dolls.

In second or third grade---I can't recall which---my mother got custody of my brother and me. Even though my mother was finally around me now, my female crushes didn't end. I had another crush on my fourth grade teacher---who also happened to be my Sunday school teacher. I still had no knowledge of sex at this time, but I could tell that my feelings were getting stronger and I had no idea why. Yet, on the other hand I really started liking a male classmate.

The year between fourth and fifth grade was hard on me emotionally and physically. This was when I was introduced to a sexual situation---by my baby-sitter's teenage son. I won't go into details but I will say that his exhibitionism, fondling, etc. had a negative impact on my brother (two years younger than me) and me. Even though no intercourse was included, it was a really bad experience.

In 1975 my mother, brother and I moved from Wilmington, North Carolina to Titusville, Florida to be near my maternal grandmother. During my fifth grade year I developed another crush on my female teacher, but this time I started having some sexual feelings. I didn't know all about sex of course, but I knew I wanted to inappropriately touch and be touched. I was asked one day by my teacher if I was a homosexual. I was baffled because I had no idea what she meant.

I went home that day and looked up the word 'homosexual' in the Webster's Dictionary. By the negative definition it gave---I told myself there was no way I was one of those. I became somewhat depressed and tried to distance myself from having feelings toward the same sex.

During 1975 my mother started dating a man that would ultimately end up sexually molesting me and more. I was told from the beginning to never tell my mother because he would hurt her---or worse. I believed him---as I think any young child would if someone said that to them. At the tender age of 12 years old I was forced to have sex with this middle-aged man. My innocence was lost and shattered.

I reached a turning point in my life by that experience. I became sexually aware of myself at such a young age. In the seventh grade I became intimately attracted to one of my teachers at my middle school. I became the teacher's pet again. Toward the end of the school year she eventually asked me if I were a 'lesbian'. That word was new to me so she explained it. I told her I guess I was.

During the 8th grade I fell in love with a girl my own age. We were in some classes together and in band together. Everyday after school I would sit with her outside and brush her hair while we were waiting on her mother to pick her up. We talked about how we wanted to travel with each other when we grew up. We became very close---but it was never sexual even though I had thoughts about that.

 At the end of the eighth grade school year I was horribly rejected by her. I found out later on that it was because her mother told her to stay away from me because she thought we were getting too close---and that she considered me a lesbian. She told other classmates and therefore I was ridiculed and even had the word 'fag' painted on my locker. I was devastated and withdrew into depression and my grades started to fall.

When I became a freshman (9th grade) at Titusville High School I started meeting new friends and I met this older teen girl that was totally out of the closet. I became sexually involved with her one day when I skipped school to be with her. I was living with my maternal grandmother at the time and she realized just how bad this girl was for me. I was forbidden to associate with her. I am thankful she demanded that because I started changing my life around.

I started going to church three times a week. I was in Sunday school, in the church orchestra playing my clarinet, and also going to youth group on Wednesday nights. I walked down the aisles at the age of fourteen and gave my life to Christ---or so I thought for awhile. Everything was great for awhile. I even started really liking this boy that I sat with on Wednesday nights. He was in 10th grade.

We became an item and started really loving hanging out together at school and in church. My thoughts were on him almost all the time. I didn't have dirty thoughts---I had pure thoughts of serenity and warmth being around him. This was the first time that I fell head over heels with a boy---I fell in love with him and had dreams about us marrying each other someday. Well, eventually that idea was messed up because I had to go to North Carolina to live with my paternal grandparents.

I wasn't there long before I started living with my Dad in Virginia. I became attracted to another girl---and I was stunned because I thought those feelings were gone. When my advances toward her were spurned, I told my heart to let go of the boy in Titusville and find another boyfriend. Well, my Dad gave me THE talk. I told my Dad that he didn't have to worry because I wasn't going to have sex until I was married. Well,. how was that for me? I got pregnant and my Dad was rightfully livid.

I was sent back to my grandmother in Titusville and she started looking around for an un-wed mothers' home. I understood how she didn't want anyone to find out I was pregnant---it was embarrassing. Pregnant at 16 and had the baby at 17. My family talked me into having my baby boy adopted.  That has always grieved me. So that is how I landed in Jacksonville, Fl.

At 18 years of age my life went from bad to worse. I put God on the back burner so to speak and started indulging in many sinful things. I started underage drinking, smoking pot,  getting in trouble with the law and I started my first long term relationship with another woman that lasted seven years. I was also raped at gunpoint  for many hours. I feared for my life and asked God's help for the first time in years. My attacker fell into a deep sleep and I was able to escape.

I got pregnant and had an abortion---which I later on asked God's forgiveness for doing such a horrible thing to an innocent baby. I was living with my female partner at the time and we ended up on the streets---homeless. A friend of hers told her about a guy that was an acquaintance of his, who said we could temporarily live with him. And so it goes---I was raped a second time.

I got pregnant again, but this time I vowed not to have an abortion, because I had repented of having my other baby killed. I was 19 years old when I had her. I tried to raise her but I was too emotionally unstable to do so. She was ultimately adopted out after being in my mother's care for awhile. Not going into details but something happened that caused the state to intervene and take my daughter away from my mother. It wasn't my mother's fault though.

When I was 20 years old my girlfriend went to jail for a couple days for not paying a fine. My best friend---a guy, asked if he could stay the night at my place. We drank a lot and I passed out. The next morning he was in my bed and said I agreed to have sex. I remembered no such agreement. I truly felt I was taken advantage of, and that he abused our friendship.

I ended up pregnant for the third time. This time I vowed to raise my son. I raised him for over a year before certain family members started telling me that I shouldn't be raising a baby in the 'slums' as they called it and living in a homosexual lifestyle.I finally agreed that it was for the best and so therefore he was adopted out to friends of my aunt and uncle. At least I was still allowed to be in contact with him over the years.

Throughout the next few years I became promiscuous with a few men even though I was still in a lesbian relationship. I ended my relationship to enter into another one---one that would last for a little over nine years. While in this relationship I deliberately got pregnant because I didn't want to go through life motherless. I was 27 years old when I had a boy---my youngest child.

In 1992, three years before my relationship ended, I went into a church program for spiritual restoration. I was also introduced to praise and worship music. I finally understood what a real relationship with Jesus was all about. I fell in love with the Lord and wanted to follow him completely. Upon conviction I repented of all my sins---except homosexuality.

I was so dead-set on believing that I could live a Christian life and be gay too! Satan had me so convinced that the majority of Christians were wrong and I was right. I became Conservative in my political and religious beliefs---except for the homosexual part. After all I was living in a monogamous relationship with a woman and it was love---not lust like the Bible said.

I identified as a Gay Christian and a Log Cabin Republican. I was so on fire for God and wanted to pastor my own Evangelical church for gay monogamous Christians. I couldn't stand going to the local MCC gay church because they were teaching inclusion heresy and my spirit knew it. I knew it was wrong to refer to God in the Lord's prayer as 'Our Father, mother' hallowed be thy name....'

A couple years after I entered my third lesbian relationship, I began to have doubts if I was fully right with God or not. I began feeling that way because my girlfriend  was having serious doubts about the sexual part of our relationship. She grew up Southern Baptist (so did I) and always had straight relationships. I was her first female relationship and she was very confused about falling in love with me. With the devil on my side, I tried to convince her that everything we did was okay with God.

I used to get so upset when she would always remark that 'sex isn't everything'. I tried very hard to change her views on the sexual part of our relationship---instead she started changing me. In hindsight, all she ever wanted was a loving close-knit best friend relationship---but we took it too far. I can count on one hand though how many times we had sexual relations. When I look back on this I know now that God was weaning me from this sinful behavior.

In 2001, the day 9/11 happened I was shaken to the core. I knew this was a wake-up call to America, and  it was a wake-up call to me as well. I purchased a Christian book on Hell and it scared me to the bone. After reading this book, I fell prostate to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably asking God to show me if I was wrong about loving another woman. I admitted to God that I didn't want to be wrong. I asked God if it was wrong--- why was truly loving a person of the same sex such a sin to Him?

While I was on that rug for such a long time, I wailed to God that I loved Him, and that I wanted to seriously follow Jesus. I begged Him to show me right then and there what was true and right. He showed me that night. I was convicted first of the sin of fornication. He made me realize that ALL sex outside marriage is a sin to Him.

Well, if it meant that all sex is sin outside marriage---then that definitely includes homosexual sex! Upon that conviction I realized that homosexuality was a sinful lifestyle. I have to admit that I didn't like what God revealed to me---but I was too in love with my Savior to totally forsake Him because of what I wanted. From there on out I asked Him to make me and mold me into the woman that He wanted me to be.

A couple weeks later I joined a website called rapture-ready.com and started posting on its message board. I wrote my testimony and shared it with the site. That was almost 14 years ago---38 years old. Being on that website and the fellowship of other Christians was a blessing to me---and still is---  It also taught me a lot about being a follower of Christ and Christian eschatology.

I started going to a non-denominational church on a regular basis and getting in the Word of God. I attended that church for a couple of years. I loved the praise and worship music but I wasn't comfortable with some of the teachings---Word of faith teachings. So, in 2003 I went back to my Southern Baptist roots and became a member of First Baptist Church of Jacksonville. I also started attending Deaf and Hard of Hearing Sunday school (I am very hard of hearing).

My life has been one struggle after another regarding the supernatural powers between good and evil. My faith flip flopped over the years by riding the fence between serving God and serving the devil. Even though I knew that being a homosexual was wrong, I was still in bondage to the thoughts of that lifestyle. Even though I remained celibate I still struggled with temptation.

In the last couple of months of 2010 I fell in love again with another woman. I wasn't looking for it---it just happened. My thoughts were a constant struggle between following God fully or succumbing to my old lifestyle. Eventually I was told by this person that she was totally straight and there was no way she would have a relationship with me. I was devastated, but now in hindsight I thank God that she rejected my feelings for her.

God protected me from falling back into a sinful lifestyle. I praise Him for turning my life around. I no longer have sexual longings for a woman---or even a man. I know God created us to be spiritual beings---not sexual beings. Sex was created by God for men and women in Holy Matrimony. It is for their pleasure and for procreation. Sex was never meant to be between people of the same sex---or even between unmarried heterosexuals.

I do not hate homosexuals. I can sympathize and even emphasize with them. I understand how they think it is right for them. I was there for years---living a lie. You can't be gay and Christian too---it is an oxymoron. If anyone reading this is a homosexual and thinks they are a Christian too, you need to realize you can't pick and choose what you want to follow out of the Holy Bible. The Bible is not a smorgasbord. You are either for His Word or against His Word. You are either 100% for God or against God.

The Holy Bible is the ultimate Word of God---it is infallible.  2 Timothy 3:16 says: All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.
It was written by men of God and 'God Breathed'---meaning written with DIVINE inspiration.

I am certainly not saying you have to be prefect. Nobody lives a perfect life. We all have our struggles with the sinful nature. Our body is flesh---born into sin. If you continue to live in sin---not just homosexuality, but any sin, you will eventually reap what you sow. You will someday experience the wrath and judgement of a Holy God---the One True God.

If you truly want to follow Jesus you need to come to Him, as Him to forgive your sins, acknowledge that He died for your sins and rose again, ask Him to be Lord of your life and your Savior. If you truly mean what you pray to Him---you will be saved from the torment of Hell---and live forever with God in Heaven. You have to mean what you say to Him. God knows our hearts and minds more than we know ourselves. God can not be mocked.

If you have prayed to receive Jesus into your heart. You now need to repent---meaning turning away from the Gay lifestyle or whatever sins you were doing. It may be hard, but God will help you through it. He will clean you up and make a new person out of you---you are a new creation!

In the era I lived in, the homosexual lifestyle was considered wrong and sinful---being a Christian was looked upon as good.  Now as I live as a Christian, it is looked upon as wrong and hateful---and the homosexual lifestyle is considered good. I praise God for opening my eyes to the Truth. I stand with Jesus now---and I am never going back!

Thank you Lord for saving me and having mercy on me when I kept going back and forth between serving you and the devil. Now I am rejoicing for your love for me and looking forward to the Blessed Hope that is coming very soon. I am looking up and ready to go home.

Lori Furr











Comments

  1. Wow Lori you are absolutely an incredibly blessed woman. It’s crazy how our life’s path takes us and we grow so beautifully when we let Christ enter our life. You are and incredibly beautiful child of God. Most people would say life here on this earth for you was a dreadful experience but it’s only a vapor. A blip in eternity and your choice to give up your life to our Savior is everything. You are a blessing to me and anyone willing to let go and listen to your testimony. The Jewish law is summed up in one word “Love” and you shared your testimony in love for your brothers and sisters. As you did we must share this and all struggles with sin in Love. All My Love Stanley Morgan God Bless You

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    1. Thank you so much for those kind words! You just gave me encouragement that this will help people. I struggled to share my private life---not even my parents knew about these things. I just pray that by opening my heart up---someone will change their life. May God bless you my friend!

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